These past couple of days have been kind of just "blah". I guess I should mention that I went to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting on Monday. I was pretty interesting, but not too much different than the group I went to in FL. There were a couple newbies there besides myself, so I guess I was a bit more comfortable in that sense. One thing that bugs me about the group is that they are of the mindset that the ONLY was is to completely stop doing ALL drugs, including your weekend drinks. I disagree with that philosophy. I think that to stop everything completely is going to intensify the crave even more. It's like those health food maniacs that never ever eat anything considered "junk food". I think it's actually healthier to have that bacon burger or ice cream every once in a while. Moderation is the key. That's my theory and I'm sticking to it, damn-it! Now if I could just get myself to do these things the way I say, I would be just fine. Anyway, I was close to going back today but decided not to. I think the main reason I wanted to go back was to connect with people. Hmmm...it WAS nice to connect. But I think I can find a group to connect with in a different context. Another thing that bugs me about their philosophy is that they consider anyone who has ever been addicted an addict for life. I think that there are more healthy ways of looking at it. I've often contemplated changing the name of this blog for that very reason. But, I still feel that my addiction is still the main theme here. Perhaps I'll change it when I feel differently. This paradoxical world we live in drives me mad. Sometimes it's nice to do drugs just to stop thinking already!
I've not cut things off with GH quite yet. I know I probably should have, but it's been nice to have someone to go out with. The intimacy is nice too, but I know it's just going to deepen things. We went out to eat for a while tonight, then went back to her place. She made it clear that she wanted to know me better before we had sex again. Yea, that usually works BEFORE the first time you have sex! Anyway, I'm not that worried about it because the attraction factor is still lacking somewhat for me. Trust me, I'm not looking to date a super-model. If fact, I'd probably never date a model because I would just be too annoyed with her. But there is a certain level of attraction that I think is necessary between two people for a long-term thing. I suppose I'm still comparing any girl I date to my ex-fiance. God, the feelings I still get when I think about her are not pleasant. After 4 years, I'm still hurting. I wonder if she is too. Probably not - she turned into a total cunt anyway. Fuck her!
mementos mori
2 years ago
4 comments:
So I don't think this post was supposed to be funny, but it definitely kind of was...
I agree about the moderation thing, but it is SO much more difficult then just stopping, because the lines are so fuzzy. My take would be that going totally clean until you feel really in control (i.e. stop craving even in stressful times) is probably necessary to get past it, but that moderate use of anything is thereafter legit.
As for the girl sitch- that was hilarious. Ya, she doesn't wanna have sex with me, but she's an uggo anyway. Intimacy is totally nice to have though, so hey, whatever you wanna do.
You think you could tell her about the coke thing? I know you said she would freak out, but if you don't really like her that much I say just do it and let the chips fall where they may. Best case- she sees it as you opening up and she's actually able to know you and be there for you (and probably sleep with you), worst case she bails, but it doesn't sound like you'd be too bent outta shape over it.
Just a thought :P Happy Thanksgiving!
Oh, it's totally okay to laugh, lol. It's supposed to be half-funny in a dark-sense-of-humor sort of way:P
OK good :)
Sorry I'm a little delayed on the comment here.. things have been crazy busy.
I agree with you that moderation is key. I'm a huge advocate for marijuana policy reform. It does miracles for people; nobody really hurts anybody while using it... and it can be taken in moderation without much difficulty.
I know I can't use hard drugs or drink with any moderation at all, though. I learned my lesson the hard way, so I just stay away from that stuff entirely.
As far as NA.. what can I say. I hate the 12 step bs. It's never worked for me. (Plus, I think AA is a cult. But, that's just my opinion.) It works for a lot of people, and to each his own, but it's just not for me. It got shoved down my throat in every treatment I was at, so I played along. But, I haven't been to a meeting in years... and I've managed to stay healthy, clean and sober. 12 steppers could not fathom that. I honestly believe that some people get "addicted" to the meetings. Then it becomes a crutch for them. They couldn't stay clean or sober without going all the time because they depend on it. To me, that's unhealthy. You have to have SOME kind of willpower, right? You seem to be struggling with similar issues regarding the 12 step philosophies. Ultimately, I found that the animosity I was developing towards "the program" made me want to use and drink more than stay clean and sober! Ironic, huh? lol. Anyway, I just stay away.
I introduced my ex-girlfriend to a lot of chemicals. Years after we broke up she got hooked on heroin and came looking to me for help. We have a really complicated history, but when we were together, we loved each other so much it hurt. I relate to what you discuss. I'm still holding her up on a pedestal after all these years. But, she broke my heart.. and she's a total tease. Now, in her sobriety, she has become an AA fanatic. That fact keeps my brain in check because it reminds me that we just have different philosophies about life, love, success and.... "addiction."
Later.
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