History Repeating Itself

Last night was a complete roller coaster. I dropped off MU to her babysitting job through solid traffic and back, then my phone rang as I was on my final stretch. It was "the man", who I'll just start calling "TM" from now on. He was taking the train back from a baseball game and asked if I could pick him up from the station, then we could go get the shit. So, I turned around and went to meet him. Luckily it was not far from where I was. He was pretty drunk when I picked him up & said that we needed to wait for a call from his higher-up, so we drove back to the apartment to wait. He pulled out some bumps for us to do as we drove, which was cool. TM also runs a recording studio, and an open mic, which he's always bugged me to go to, but I never had. I've never done it mainly because of two reasons. First, I've always collaborated with other people, so I would be playing only a part of a complete song. The second reason is that it's always on a Friday, which has usually been when we've picked up our shit, which means that MU and I (especially my impatient ass) anxiously await to party and fuck the shit out of each other after we get it. So, I was playing him some stuff on the guitar & he was saying that I should definitely start working with him on a collaboration. He said I was a total asshole for never showing up at his open mics. I know. I totally am, lol.

So, we got the call and went to do the pick-up, then off to drop him off at his place. He wanted me to come in to do the exchange and show me his latest work. So, we went in. I noticed the studio looked a lot nicer than the last time I was there. This is the first time he played me any of HIS stuff. The first song was actually pretty good, but everything after that was just not really what I would like to work with. The hooks were very weak and the arrangement was bland. I was kinda hoping that I would be able to just record an album there and pay him for the studio time (which he has offered before), but now I think that he will want to work together. Fuck!

After that, I decided to go with him to check out the bar where he hosts the open mic. I wanted to hang with him for a while so that he would not be TOO pissed when I did not show up that night, lol. So I went there and the setup was okay. He introduced me to a few people, but my anxiety level was steadily rising. I stayed there for a short time, then I finally left. Now, we had been doing bumps ever since I picked him up, so I already had a decent buzz going.

I drove back home already knowing what would happen, even though I promised MU that it would not. The first thing I did when I got in was open one of the packages. I was only going to so a couple lines (which is always what I tell myself). Needless to say, that's not where it stopped. Luckily, I was able to half-way control it and only almost finish one package (we got 4). When she came home, I did not even tell her because I did not want to ruin things for our party. We started almost immediately. The sex was awesome & we were both really into it. It was great up until the very end when I had to tell her that there was no more. I was SO pissed at myself. Surprisingly, she was only slightly upset, but more worried about me. She actually held me on the couch while I stared off into the distance thinking about how much I fucking hate myself. I'm worried that this shit is just going to start all over again. I know that as long as I don't find work, and have nothing to do, the likelihood is very high. MU was crying earlier because she is so worried about me. Fuck.

Depress Mode

The shit finally got to us last night around 8pm. MU had to drive over there to pick it up, and came back with a single bag, which supposedly was 3 in 1. It did not look like that to me, but whatever - I was fiending bad & I knew that was enough. I will say that it was more pure than usual, but that did not stop me from making huge-ass lines, as usual. We partied for about 4 hours and had some great power exchange sex. What's really cool is that "the man" felt so bad for having MU wait so long, that he's going to hook us up this weekend with 3 more at the price of just the one he owes us. Bonus!

Other than that, my life has still been pretty depressing. I still have not found a job, although I've been looking half-heartedly. It's kind of discouraging when you know that the government is going to take about 40% of your fucking paycheck (I get an extra 10% garnished for unpaid school loans). But I HAVE been looking. I noticed that my old job (which I vowed never to return to because they treat their employees like shit) is hiring. It has been very humiliating that I'm actually considering going back. At least I would be able to work as a professional again & not some entry-level bullshit job. I've also considered nannying...or becoming a "manny" as they call it. The pay would be unmatched even if I worked at my ex-employer's - mainly because it would be cash. But doing that shit, especially as a guy in his 30's is just not something I would be comfortable with. Either way, I'm gonna have to swallow my fucking pride in some way.

I talked to my dad earlier & told him, again, that I plan on moving back to Chicago. He told me again that he really does not want me to come back & that he really needed me there. I feel so bad about this. I know my mom feels the same way, but she knows how much I dislike living in FL, so she understands. Why is life so friggin complicated? I know I have to do what's best for me right now, even though it's selfish. I've been battling severe clinical depression since I was a teenager & I swear that lately, it feels like all my efforts have been in vain. I've actually had suicidal thoughts pop into my head. Not cool. MU suggested that I go back on Prozac. I think she's probably right.

Divine BULLSHIT!!!

Yea, so last night did not even happen. Apparently there's been some of the biggest busts ever in Chicago and us cokeheads are feeling the impact. Actually, what happened last night apparently, was that he WAS offered some to sell, but "the man" tasted it and refused because it was "weak shit". At least we know that he's lookin' out for the quality. Luckily, we all know that these things are only temporary. So, here I am again waiting to hear from "the man" to see if we get to party tonight. This wait is fucking agonizing & I gotta make sure there is something else to distract me in case it does not happen again. Yesterday, I actually picked up my old hollowbody guitar (which is old and slightly out of tune due to age-related defects) and played a lot, which felt good.
My aunt called me yesterday too and said that she know a guy who manages a pretty popular band who is in need of a guitarist. I called him, but unfortunately they are looking for a "flaminco" style guitarist, which I'm just not. My heart is with rock 'n' roll (and some jazz - you just can't beat jazz as far as musicianship).

Divine Intervention?

So I was supposed to pick up a hearty supply of blow last night so we could party today (MU just got back from Denver). I gave the "man" the cash, and he said he would be back shortly. About an hour later, all hell broke loose. I swear, even in Florida, I have not seen the sky look so threatening! Sure enough, there was a friggin tornado watch for the exact area I'm staying in. I heard the alarms go off & shut the storm windows. At first, I really thought that it might have been possible that a hurricane had somehow made it to Chicago, lol. Strangely, my dog was very calm. Anyway, finally he gives me a call and tells me that he has not been able to even reach the main dude. Fucking great. I had it all planned out too. I was going to pick her up from the airport, then just go apeshit on her. Instead, here I am writing in my stupid blog again. We still have not heard a word. This sucks.

My Other Addiction

I'm back in Chicago, and I plan to stay! I got here about a week ago. I was SO glad to get the hell out of Florida, and even more glad that I was returning to my beloved hometown. Yes, my other addiciton is Chicago. And, yes, the cocaine - I'm getting to that...
The original plan was for me to stay with my friend, RM, but she just had two kids and it just did not make sense for me to stay there while trying to look for work (she also lives in the burbs). So, I came to stay with my ex (MU), who I have to admit, I've missed. My dog is also here, so I'm very happy to be able to see him. And, of course, MU likes to party and have intense nasty sex! She apparently got the stuff the weekend before I came here. I noticed she was being very vague about how much she had (she said she was going to try and get 3 packages). When playtime came, there was only one. She told me that she had been able to only get 2, and that she just put them both in one bag. I commented that it did not look like it amounted to 2, but was cool with it. The sex was amazing, as usual. Afterwards, she admitted to me that she had done some already, and that she was scared of becoming addicted. STOP! Wait a minute...
She said that she had been doing it every Friday, and she looked forward to her fridays now because she could escape for a while. I commented that "once a week" was what WE used to do, and she never had a problem with it. I felt like some sort of manipulation was in progress. I asked her if she did it alone, & she said "yes" and that "thats what porn is for". The last quote is exactly what I said when I did all that coke she sent down when she came to visit in FL. I asked her straight out "Are you being honest, or is this some sort of manipulation thing?". She said she was really scared of the addiction, and brought up the fact that she looked forward to Fridays again. I still smell a rat, but I don't know. I know that she wants me back more than anything, and I don't think she knows that I've been considering getting back with her very seriously. I really think that if we could keep it down to doing it just once a week, we will be fine. The problem before was that I was doing that in addition to partying with NS once, and sometimes twice a week. That's when things got really bad.
When I came up here, I really thought I would be able to just ignore NS, and not even let him know I was here. Well, MU went out of town for the week, leaving me here alone. I smoked some weed, and my inhibitions disappeared, so I called him. Needless to say, we partied on Friday. I WAS actually surprised that I actually called him. I really felt that I was through with that. Another former party person called me as well. He's been sending me texts to come party with him, but so far I've resisted. I really don't want to fall back into that fucking trap again & I'm scared. I worked out today for the first time in a long time, and it feels so good to do that again. I want THAT to be my habit that I do several times a week - not coke.
She is coming back on Tuesday. Apparently she has stuff already lined up for us to party. I can't wait! Damn, why is that shit so good???

Super-Foque

In case anyone is wondering where the fuck I've been. I got into a fight with my mom's fuckhead boyfriend. I'm living at my dad's now with extremely limited internet access. Who knows when I'll be back on my feet. I'm tryin' .

A Salty Discharge

Not too long ago, I asked a friend if it was normal for a guy to not be able to cry. She said it was. I seriously have not cried in about a decade (and that was due to a bad trip on mushrooms!). Well, today I was wasting time on YouTube, when I ran across a video one of my old favorite songs that I have not heard in ages. It was "Do You Realize" by The Flaming Lips. Low and behold, towards the last third of the song, I began to feel a salty discharge (as Seinfeld would say) coming from my eyes! OMFG, I can still do it! I don't give a shit what anyone thinks (especially in our Western bullshit society), but it felt good! I personally DON'T think it's normal to be unable to cry. It reminded me that I'm human - a LIVING human! It also made me remember just how powerful a song can really be. It made me want to write again - something I have not felt like doing because of my situation here.

After my last crash, I lay in bed unable to sleep, then remembered what this guy, John, was saying at my last NA meeting. He said that he had done something very unusual for him. He finally decided to ask for help from a higher power. Well, shit - I did the same damn thing. Lord knows I've tried to do this on my own and have failed miserably. I got out of bed in the dark and dropped to my knees and prayed intensely! And, I have to admit that things have been going better since. Don't worry, I'm not about to get all religious wacko on everyone (seen that shit & don't like it at all)! However, I have always been a spiritual person, although unsatisfied with organized religion. I do strongly believe that there IS a higher power, and I know that it helps you when you open up to it. My life experience has done enough to prove that to my skeptic ass! Man, life is strange!!!