History Repeating Itself

Last night was a complete roller coaster. I dropped off MU to her babysitting job through solid traffic and back, then my phone rang as I was on my final stretch. It was "the man", who I'll just start calling "TM" from now on. He was taking the train back from a baseball game and asked if I could pick him up from the station, then we could go get the shit. So, I turned around and went to meet him. Luckily it was not far from where I was. He was pretty drunk when I picked him up & said that we needed to wait for a call from his higher-up, so we drove back to the apartment to wait. He pulled out some bumps for us to do as we drove, which was cool. TM also runs a recording studio, and an open mic, which he's always bugged me to go to, but I never had. I've never done it mainly because of two reasons. First, I've always collaborated with other people, so I would be playing only a part of a complete song. The second reason is that it's always on a Friday, which has usually been when we've picked up our shit, which means that MU and I (especially my impatient ass) anxiously await to party and fuck the shit out of each other after we get it. So, I was playing him some stuff on the guitar & he was saying that I should definitely start working with him on a collaboration. He said I was a total asshole for never showing up at his open mics. I know. I totally am, lol.

So, we got the call and went to do the pick-up, then off to drop him off at his place. He wanted me to come in to do the exchange and show me his latest work. So, we went in. I noticed the studio looked a lot nicer than the last time I was there. This is the first time he played me any of HIS stuff. The first song was actually pretty good, but everything after that was just not really what I would like to work with. The hooks were very weak and the arrangement was bland. I was kinda hoping that I would be able to just record an album there and pay him for the studio time (which he has offered before), but now I think that he will want to work together. Fuck!

After that, I decided to go with him to check out the bar where he hosts the open mic. I wanted to hang with him for a while so that he would not be TOO pissed when I did not show up that night, lol. So I went there and the setup was okay. He introduced me to a few people, but my anxiety level was steadily rising. I stayed there for a short time, then I finally left. Now, we had been doing bumps ever since I picked him up, so I already had a decent buzz going.

I drove back home already knowing what would happen, even though I promised MU that it would not. The first thing I did when I got in was open one of the packages. I was only going to so a couple lines (which is always what I tell myself). Needless to say, that's not where it stopped. Luckily, I was able to half-way control it and only almost finish one package (we got 4). When she came home, I did not even tell her because I did not want to ruin things for our party. We started almost immediately. The sex was awesome & we were both really into it. It was great up until the very end when I had to tell her that there was no more. I was SO pissed at myself. Surprisingly, she was only slightly upset, but more worried about me. She actually held me on the couch while I stared off into the distance thinking about how much I fucking hate myself. I'm worried that this shit is just going to start all over again. I know that as long as I don't find work, and have nothing to do, the likelihood is very high. MU was crying earlier because she is so worried about me. Fuck.