The Pain Of The Bi Closet

Any bisexual guy must be familiar with this story. I love that I'm bi, and I've know this since I was a child. As a child, I was very shy and it was very hard for me to make friends (and still is). Most of the male friends I've made in life have been straight and even homophobic. Coming out to them would drastically change the friendship and very possibly end it ultimately. I think it would be easier if I were gay, but I'm definitely NOT. I love women as well. Always have and always will. In fact, I prefer love relationships with women.
I feel that some day I'm just going to come out and say "fuck you" to all who have a problem with it. I really wish I had the balls at this point, and I may grow them soon! I'm just terrorized by the idea of losing friends I've known for ages, and the general public rejection.

Down Again

I'll start out by describing the "miracle" that happened last month. My car was found, without a single scratch. We got a letter from the Chicago Pound saying that the car was in their lot and impounded. I could not believe the news when I heard it, and was so happy! But my excitement dwindled as I found out the details as to where it was found. The car was found on the next street south of where I left it and at the exact hundred block west! I was 100% sure about where I left it - I even remembered the details about that walk home from the last time I saw it. But there was a factor that I had not considered until I found out about where it was found. At the time, AJ and I were smoking LOTS of weed. Yes, I began considering the possibility that this whole thing was a mistake on my part and that the car was never stolen! Is it possible that I parked it A BLOCK AWAY and was so absent-minded that I simply forgot where I parked it??? As embarrassing as this is, and as much of a pot advocate I am, I HAVE to admit that this may have indeed been what actually happened! Is it possible that the car WAS stolen, taken for a joy ride, then returned a block away without a scratch?? I guess, but it's seeming less likely! I've not told ANYONE this because I'm far too embarrassed. Regardless of what really happened, the fact is that I've put myself in a situation where a mistake like this CAN happen. That whole memory of me walking back from the car that night and seeing a woman staring at me DID happen...but I now believe that this memory was of a DIFFERENT night! I can't go on like this! It's unacceptable! But...I have.
AJ and I broke up after another altercation. We had another huge argument over something stupid and she brought up something from the past (which we both agreed we would not do) and I lost it. No, I did not hit her, but I threw her to the ground after she tried taking my shoe as I was trying to leave and calm down (we also agreed that she would not interfere when I needed to step out to calm down). That was the last time. I still love her to death, but I can't have her. Not like that. I think about her every day and wish the good things could have kept going without the bad, but that's just a fantasy. God, I miss her. I miss her daughter too. We were a family. But I can't go back. When things get physical like that, I have to draw the line.
So, now I've started seeing LH again (girl from work with the killer body, but below average above the neck). When I left her to go back to AJ, she ended up in the hospital because she swallowed a bunch of pills. Yes, this is the girl I've decided to go back out with! But, she does everything for me and i feel respected (unlike with AJ) and gives a HELL of a blow-job! It gets worse...
I'm back to Mr. X again a few times a month. Yes, the coke too. I don't think it will ever get as bad as it did in '08, but again, it's not the best thing to have when you're wanting to be in a serious relationship with a female. I know I'm not taking this new relationship with LH anywhere near as seriously as she's taking it. I'm in hell.
Also, to make matters worse, my big toe is still hurting me from a few months back when AJ pissed me off so much (within literally 10 minutes of getting back together) that I kicked my steel garbage can. I think I have a fracture. Anyway, I have not been able to do my normal cardio workouts because of it and it's definitely affecting my brain. I'm back to being depressed again. I'm also starting to look and feel old. The most terrifying thing in American culture is getting old. The horror. The horror!

Longest Break EVER!

WOW, it's been a long time! I've completely stopped writing in my paper journal because other people simply cannot be trusted not to go through it. Like pretty much everything, I've learned that the hard way, lol.
I'll give you the last year or so summed up in a nutshell:

Just before I moved out of Squeaky's place, I started seeing this other girl, AJ. Heart of gold, shell and tongue of steel (spiked too!). We've had a pretty bumpy relationship for about a year now, but one thing I can tell you without a doubt about her is that she is trying harder to work things out with me and within herself than any other girl I've ever been in a relationship with. Also, she loves me very very much and the feelings are mutual. She has a daughter, whom is very sweet and we get along great. She is 7. We all lived together in Chicago for almost a year, but I was still dealing with the tail end of my whole stupid thing with Mr. X and coke. We all went through absolute hell, and it's actually amazing that we're still together (after many breakups, of course, lol). We both did some horrible things to each other, but we both know our love is very deep...even deeper than our own personal issues. We plan on getting married on 6-6-12.
As for me, I live in Southern Wisconsin now. I moved up here because everyone else in my band lives here, including my longtime best friend and guitarist, DS. I actually just moved in at the beginning of this month. I had just bought an AWESOME car, which was stolen in Chicago literally the night before I was bringing the last of my stuff up here. It was a huge blow, but I'm holding my head high and have had nothing but great support from those around me. As one can imagine, I was completely freaked out at first (and homicidal, of course...I'll still KILL whoever took my car if I ever find out). My drive to work from here is 1.5 hours minimum (I still work in Chicago). Luckily, I got my shifts down to 2 a week (I work a 24 on one day), so it's not that bad...unless you don't have a CAR!!! Again, luckily, DS has been nice enough to let me use his car until I can find another one.
As far as the band, we are doing very well. Everything seems to be coming together actually. I see the car theft thing as a test of my will. I've passed this test and I'm ready for the next.
When I was looking for places here, i was very specific as to where I wanted to live (downtown, by the lake, and close to DS). I got rejected about 30 times because I have a dog. I really started to lose hope until the last minute (literally DAYS before my move), DS found a place. It's where I live now, and it's AWESOME!!! I've got me a HUGE 2 bedroom with two bathrooms in the heart of downtown, 2 blocks away from the lake and a 5 minute walk from DS's place. But, even more exciting is the fact that when I first walked in this place, I noticed the gigantic living room space, and thought "Wow, this would be GREAT for a rehearsal spot!". Well, we're rehearsing here now and it's worked out perfectly so far!
Ah, yes, the coke issue. As I mentioned before, I was still doing it while I was living in Chicago with Mr. X, but nowhere near as much as I used to. 3 times a month at most. This was during a time when AJ and I agreed to have an open relationship with people of the same sex. She found out about the coke use through my paper journal, hell was raised, and the rest is history. I've been completely clean of it for over a month now, and have had no problem doing so. Mr. X does try to contact me here and there, but I just ignore him. He really pissed me off last time we hooked up, so it actually makes it easier to ignore him. All I have to do is think about the incident, lol. I think that as long as that fucker is out of the picture, I'll be just fine. Wow, it feels good to write again, lol! Peace.

"Life Is full of surprises It advertises Nothing" - Depeche Mode

The week before last was the last time I'll probably ever see Idiot again - or at least have sex. The following week, I received a phone call from him that nobody wants to ever get. He asked "do you have a moment", which usually means it's something actually serious. It was. He told me that he had just gotten back from his re-test, which had confirmed that he has HIV. I was terrified, but at the same time, not surprised. I stayed on the phone a couple more minutes, then told him I was going to go. It's something I've mentally prepared myself for for a long time actually, but I don't think any amount of mental conditioning could prepare you for that completely. My whole life flashed before me & it actually surprised me that I felt quite accomplished. I honestly feel that if my time to go is approaching fast, I'm okay with it. Shit, I've experienced more in a decade of my life than most people ever experience. I've defeated monsters that many people never defeat. To a bohemian like myself, experience is everything.
Needless to say, I went to get tested the next day. The test guy asked me what I was going to do if I was diagnosed as positive. I told him that I was okay with it because we are all going to die someday from something. He did not look very happy to hear that, but he knew it was the truth, lol. It still amazes me how people in our culture live in complete denial of the fact of death. It's no wonder that we hide all the old people away like they don't exist.
Anyway, to my amazement, he told me that the test result would be ready in about 20 minutes! They don't need blood tests anymore. It's a "swab" test, where they take a swab & have you run it along your gums & that's it.
So, I waited for the test to come back as a frantically continued writing in my paper journal. When he came back, I was cool, calm & collected. I went back in the patient room where he had the swab attached to the indicator device, which he turned towards me so I could see. I could tell that there were two horizontal red lines that could possibly appear on the indicator. The one that showed up on my test was the top one. I had no idea what that meant, but he told me after about 2 seconds..."you're negative".
I must admit that it was a huge relief, but not a complete relief. I knew that this test was not likely to indicate weather I got the disease from Idiot last time we hooked up. This one just showed that I did not have anything prior to our last "engagement". I said to the social worker, "Well, that's good, but it's not conclusive, right? I imagine that I still need to take another test in a few weeks(?)". He confirmed this & said that I need to check back with them in three weeks. It still worries me, of course.
But, one of the things that I've found to have me satisfied with my life is the fact that I've been able to record these songs. Many people say they love the songs & just as many say I suck. That's the music industry for ya. I'd be lying if I said that I don't care, but I don't care as much anymore. I just care about leaving the world with SOMETHING after I'm long gone - even if only one person listens to it.
So, even if my fate is still uncertain, I must keep in mind that it's NEVER certain. For all I know, I could be killed before the re-test by a drunk driver. You just never know.
The worst part, by far has been the thought of me having to tell Squeaky. I'm not going to say anything if my next test is also negative, but if it's not, I will be claiming my spot in hell.

Obsession

I feel friggin' great! I'm literally obsessed with this music project. Today, Squeaky went to work for 8 hours. I started working on stuff by the time she left & was still at it when she came back! During that time, I re-did the vocals on one song, then re-mastered it...THEN I recorded another song to it's completion! I'm talking all the instruments & vocals (okay, I DID finish the drums prior, but that's it). I'm very happy with my songs so far (and thanks for the compliment, Kimmy! :) ). I have not doubt that I will be able to make a living doing music now & it feels damn good. I know this because I have a conviction in my brain to not let anything stop me.
Oh, and as far as partying...I've kept the "once-a-week" plan & it's worked flawlessly. I feel completely in control & I do it now to have fun & not to get away from a miserable existence. I WANT to live my life now. I've got so much work to do & I'm loving it because it's what I love. Case closed!

**Place "Rocky" Theme Song here**

Hey, all. I've been really slackin' on this blog, so I thought I'd do a little update. Actually, I have not been slacking at all. I've been programming drums, writing and recording my ass off. I've got the first song pretty much complete. It definitely sounds good enough for a demo-type thing. I'm not a producer, so I will leave that to the pro's who know that shit well. It's been a very tedious, time-consuming & frustrating process, but the end result is always worth it. I'm literally learning to use all this equipment AS I'm recording it, so I gotta give myself some credit - I'd say I'm doing pretty damn good, considering!
I've had no problems at all with addiction & I've had no problem with my new & slightly flexible "once-a-week program". The only concern I've had recently is my lack of exercise. I'm normally a pretty active guy as far as workouts & when I slack, I feel...well...not right. BUT, I've also had a cold for the past couple of days so that excuses maybe a whole .01% of my laziness. No, again, it truly has not been sheer laziness. I've put a serious effort into the music project & I have to sacrifice some things. If it means I get a belly for a while, then so be it. I want my friggin album done! For those of you who asked, I will definitely send you a link to the first song when I finally download it (I still have to figure out how to do that too, lol).
And, you know, I'm SO okay with my "program" & myself lately that I've seriously been contemplating changing the name of this blog to "Cocaine Addiction Kinda SuckED"). Actually, it's probably better to just start another blog under the same account. Anyway, my point is that I totally feel in control now & it feels good!
Lastly, I'm pretty sure I'm about to get hired at a place which I think I'll really like. I interviewed on Friday & it went very well. I really liked the people there & it's a non-profit place, so like-minded folks will be there. The benefits are pretty much un-beatable too! I also can get a chance to learn more about non-profit organizations. I have been also thinking about trying to start my own non-profit for equal treatment & respect for the elderly (working on an ambulance for 10 years & seeing the nations nursing homes, especially "after hours" will do that to you!).

Total lack of irresponsibility

Nothing too exciting has happened lately (which usually means I'm due for something to happen soon). Things have been pretty good here. We've been getting along great & I even went out to run yesterday for the first time in months. I really hate to admit this, but I was actually missing...um...you know...that state I lived in down south. I'm sure my experience in FL has a lot to do with my negative attitude towards it, but I know there's a lot of good things about it. Running in FL was fucking awesome. No, I'm not thinking of moving back.
Squeaky and I partied again this weekend & it was awesome. Idiot has been sick, so I have not had to worry about that. I have developed a new addiction though, which is pissing me off. Not any drug, but one of these online RPG's. Damn those games are addicting! But it's seriously been drastically reducing the amount of time I've been spending on the music project. Not cool.
I also did something uncharacteristically responsible. I'm actually kind of ashamed to report that, instead of buying tickets to the Death Cab concert, I paid my cell phone bill (had to choose one or the other). I've been dying to see DCFC for the longest time too. Oh well, I can still listen to their music whenever I want.