Slave to The Dark Side

Yea, so right after I published my last blog entry, "Mr. Pharmacist" calls back (I had tried calling him a few hours earlier).  I thought things would get better after I moved, but it looks like they are not.  I immediately hauled ass over to the pickup spot and got another 2 bags.  I put an ad out to sell my ass (it was still early evening, so my in my junky ass mind, it didn't matter that I had to be up at 5:30am the next morning)...did I really need to put that in parentheses?  I'm not sure because...you guessed it...I'm stoned again!  Anyways, only one person called and then said he was "going to think about it".  Asshole.  Needless to say, I had already started vacuuming out the first bag while watching porn and looking for men online.  I found one guy that lives pretty close.  I got there and he was exactly what turns me on, but he ended up kicking me out because he said I was too tweaked out.  Asshole.
So, I walked my slutty ass back home and finished the second bag.  I didn't get up in time for my important engagement (for real), but at least they let me reschedule.  Assholes, hahaha!
In all seriousness though, this is fucking torture.  I'm the REAL asshole here.  I know I am, and I'm trying hard to change this shit, but I literally can't!  I had 3 women I was talking to who wanted to go on dates with me after I moved.  Now I don't even want to call any of them because I don't want to have to go through doing that to someone again.  Being bisexual really fucking sucks.  And being a coke-addicted bisexual is even worse!  It's like I dream all the time about finally meeting the woman of my dreams, but I know damn well NOTHING is ever going to work unless I change this.  And that's just the problem.  My dark side makes me NOT want to change.  My dark side wants me to indulge in earthly pleasures.  It also wants to torture me as much as possible for the longest time possible.
I'm actually not surprised that I'm saying this, but lately I've been thinking more about maybe trying to have a relationship with a man.  I'm getting hard just thinking about it.  I hate to admit it, but it's the truth.  I also get just as hard with women.  I'm not gay.  I'm truly a closeted bisexual.  But I know that if I "come out" as they say, I would automatically be considered "gay" and most women would probably be out instantly.
I'm fucked.

Stoned Loc

Got two baggies of coke last night, then skipped along all the way to my Buddhist meeting I was going to MC. The meeting went well & even though I'm a coke head, it does me good and I'm absolutely determined to keep my practice up no matter what.  I'm kind of learning to accept all my flaws as well as my good aspects.  It's a minor change in the way I think, but I may be on to something!
I originally got the shit so I could put an ad out (which I did) and whore myself out while I tweek.  By the time I finished all of the first one, nobody had responded so I decIided to just do the rest watching porn.  I came after doing the last oversized line, so it was worth it at least, lol!
And I've been really considering being a sex worker regularly.  I suspect that that would not be a step in the direction of "good", but I DO need the money BAD!  This is the part of me that just wants to say "fuck you!  I enjoy doing coke and I have it under a good deal of control. But I also know that if I do that, I will do more coke.  Fuck.  The forces of dark and light have come to a head.  Makes you really wonder if this really IS our last year of existence.  Fucking Mayans!
I'm stoned.

The Pool of Dual

Holy shit it's been a long time!  I've started a paper journal again, and since I'm in this situation what I'm going to do is post what I can't post on paper here.  I shall call this "The Book of Darkness" and my paper journal "The Book of Light", reflecting the duality of our existence.
What's going on?  Well, I just moved in to an awesome apartment.  This is changing my mood (and my dog's mood).  That old place was literally the second worst place I've ever lived in.  I can't believe I didn't kill myself while I was stuck there.  To make things worse at that place, the power company cut my electricity off and I was left there without electricity for a month and a half.  It sucked.  HOWEVER, I DID manage to um..."spike" some electricity from across the hall to use sometimes.  Yup, I'm pretty badass.
I moved in with a friend I've known from work for years.  He's a real good guy.  He's gay and was worried about me wanting to room with him, lol!  Little does he know...
I've not slowed down my binges.  I'm still doing everything I can to be able to keep it up.  I took a payday loan out to pay my security deposit.  That's really bad.  But what's worse is that I spent some of it on you know what.  I'm a fucked up badass.
HOWEVER, I think I've got it under control enough to know not to overdo it.  If I could just work as much as I did when I had overtime (they cut all my overtime), then I could just keep it just at this level, which part of me is okay with.  The other part of me says I'm just making excuses just like any other addict.  Once again, the duality of our existence.

Karmageddon

Shit, it's been a while! Towards the end of 2011, I told myself that 2012 would be THE year I break free (yes, I realize it's only 5 days into the year, but I've gone 20 without seeing Mr. X!). So far, so good, but as every addict knows, the chances of stumbling are always high...no pun intended. The few weeks before the last time I got fucked up with him were full of inner turmoil. It was pretty much an all-out battle between good and evil inside my mind. But this last effort on my part, I can honestly say, has been the strongest ever. The Prozac has taken full effect by now & I've been chanting consistently and have been seeing the results. There has even been a couple of times when I give in, but by some divine force, my plans to see him are foiled. Call me crazy, but I think all that practice I've been doing in Buddhism has been protecting me. My therapist actually convinced me to go back to practicing even with my skepticism. I'm back because I know it works, and right now I NEED something that works!

I do believe that spirituality in in general, whatever it may be, is one of the only things capable of getting through something like this. Reading "The Secret", I learned that we DO in fact create our own realities. But there was that one thing missing to account for the "bad" things that happen even if all you've been doing is positive. That one thing is karma. It all makes sense now. You create your own reality, but not without the help of past karma.

Fucking Ape

So before my weekend began, I decided to check my email account (the one I sent X the letter from). To my surprise, there was a reply, but not from him. It was an error reply telling me that the recipient could not be reached at that address. Well, that explains why X just went about things as if nothing had happened! I've sent him similar emails before, so maybe he just decided to block ME on that account. "Fucking ape", as my cousin used to say.

Needless to say, I hooked up with him on Friday again. It was not a long session. He claimed he had to leave early due to work the next morning, so we didn't do that much blow. I was actually well enough on Sunday to go to the gym and do a full workout (weights and cardio).

Nonetheless, I'm depressed as fuck again. What the fuck am I going to tell my shrink? Last time we had a session, he talked about how maybe he was not the right therapist for me due to the lack of progress. He's right. What the hell am i supposed to talk about on Wednesday? How I failed to resist again? I'm considering cancelling or just giving up therapy all together.

In the meantime, the girl I was dating became pretty upset about me not pursuing her any further. I feel bad about it. I'm back to being lonely as hell on top of miserable. Great.

Magic Jackass, Bloody Sunday

The weekend started out well, and remained well until Sunday night. Friday, I went out on a third date with someone, which went okay. Saturday was my cousin's birthday party, which was basically a big bong smoking party, lol! Sunday was going great. I cooked a new recipe, which turned out decently, organized, cleaned, then played some God of War II.

But then, at approximately 7:15pm (right about the time X usually gets coke), my MAGIC JACK phone rings! Shit!!! I KNEW it was him without even looking. My body instantly felt very cold and the acids in my stomach burned my GI tract. I paced around, turned up the heat, and paced around some more. I started rationalizing in my head: "Maybe it's NOT that bad", "Maybe I DON'T really want to stop, as my shrink has suggested", "Maybe I AM gay", "Maybe just this one last time"...yea, I've told myself that one before. FUCK!!!

After about 5 minutes, I checked the voice mail. It was as if I had never sent him that email. "Hey, just wondering if you're around. Give me a call". About 5 minutes later, I did call. He answered just as nonchalantly. He started telling me he wanted to get together but that he was broke and didn't know if he could get much coke, and was about to give "The Man" a call. I told him to find out what was going on, then call me back.

When he called back, he said that The Man was not going to be around that night and if I could do something the next day. I told him no. Then he said he could probably scrape up enough for a little party from empty bags. I told him no. Then he said we could just try next week.

After I hung up, I considered calling my dealer, but decided it was just too much damn effort.

I'm now really starting to think that I really don't WANT to stop. What in the FUCK am I supposed to do??? On top of this, he's got fucking HIV, and that's STILL not enough to fucking stop me??? WTF is wrong with me???

Bring it.

So last weekend may be the last one that I mess around with X. I had promised my therapist that I was going to tell X that I no longer wanted to see him. Nonetheless I hooked up with him on Friday and was too fucking depressed to make it to my best friend's Halloween party & I felt horrible. This had an extra powerful effect due to the fact that the exact same damn thing had happened a couple weeks before with my other friend's going away party. What the hell kind of friend was I being?? What the hell kind of life was I living where all I looked forward to was getting fucked up and treated like shit by X, then being depressed for the rest of the weekend?

I have to give credit to my therapist who was really starting to "threaten" to start to be real hard on me. I'm not gonna lie. The dude kind of scares me! But that's probably a good thing. So, that pressure was on me as well.

So, on Monday, I sent X and email explaining how it was affecting me physically and mentally and that I had to be done with him. It took me a good couple of hours to hit the "send" button, but I did it. I didn't stop there though. I wanted to make sure that he could not contact me on my phone, so I had his number blocked. That's the first time I've ever done that. Of course, he could still get in touch through the email, but I've not checked that account since. It's been exactly a week.

It's on.