Fucked to the power of infinity

So, where the fuck have I been this past week? Well, AT&T (BUNCH OF FUCKING INCOMPETENT ASSHOLES!!!) decided to cut off MU's Internet service even though she made the payment. So, I'm at the Internet cafe now. She called them and bitched up a storm to the point where they told her to find another service. So, if I'm not here for a while - you know why. But that's not the only reason I may not be here...

As I've been staying here, I've been skiing about twice a week. Last night I did not really even want to, but MU had already gotten the shit and she wanted to. I inhaled that shit like there was no tomorrow & we were done with all 3 bags within 3 hours. It was barely fun. The whole night, I had a feeling that something was wrong & I was right (although I'm sure guilt had something to do with it too, but this was stronger than the usual guilt feeling). Just as we had started I saw that my phone was ringing & it was my dad. I figured I would just talk to him in the morning and shut my phone off to concentrate on partying.

I called my dad back at around 11 or so this morning and he sounded weird from the get-go. After a few minutes, I finally found out what had happened. The whole time I've been up here, I've been regretting not bringing my paper journal (which is even more personal than this one). Instead, I locked it up in a chest at my mom's place along with my old journals that go back to 1995. Well, apparently I did NOT grab my latest journal (which goes back to 2002) and left it right on the fucking bed at my dad's! Yea, FUCK ME! He claims to only have read a couple pages, but he read the right ones if that's the case. He's fully aware that I'm doing fucking coke and with who, etc. I'm 1200 miles away from my personal journal and anyone can read it now and there ain't SHIT I can do about it. FUCK! The next day, of course, he was going to meet with my mom for some business matter & they discussed it. She is coming into town on Monday. My mom is one of those super anti-drug people and she's going to shit. I have no idea what the fuck is going to happen. For all I know, she's going to get my entire family up here to confront me like on one of those fucking sitcoms or something. She might do her damnedest to have me check into a rehab. Maybe that's good. I don't know. Maybe that's what I need. Last night, I was sure I was going to be able to handle the problem finally by replacing my bad habits with good ones, but I've told myself that before and been wrong. In a strange way, I'm kind of glad that it's out in the open now. I just don't want this shit to go overboard.

My dad was not angry, but very worried. I know my mom will be the same, but probably with a bit more anger. He was also telling me that he really wanted me to stay down in FL, but to do what makes me happy. He's also pretty sure he is going to lose his house and his wife is going to lose her job if she misses one day or is late only once from now until February. They did an assessment on the house, and literally doubled his taxes. This is fucked. I had an actual plan yesterday before all of this shit hit the fan & I was quite satisfied with it. I was going to get my own place away from MU, get my old job back (I already talked to people from there and they said it was likely), and get involved with some health-related groups (health club, yoga, Kung-Fu, etc.). Now that this has happened, I'm not sure I will be able to even get my own place because my mom was going to help me out with that.

I'm trying to tell myself that all of this is happening for a good reason, and it probably is. I DO know that even if my little plan works out like I described, I still would not be happy eventually, unless I "moved up" job-wise, which likely would involve me getting a degree of some sort. What might happen now is that I might end up moving to Southern IL with my aunt and going to school. That would be the most logical thing. It's POSSIBLE that I might return to FL, but I'm going to fight that very strongly. I DO feel bad for my dad, and that may be the only thing that would bring me back.

Anyway, so that's my life right now. I have no fucking idea what the fuck is going to happen. I guess I will have a better idea on Monday. I'm going to try and get online to write as much as I can, but I don't know how much that is going to be. Writing in here actually helps me feel better and you all reading this who have left feedback are much appreciated. It DOES help. I'd better check my e-mail before my minutes run out. Peace.