Evil has found me

For the last month, I've been totally clean and replacing my coke habit with a variety of exercises, writing music, and re-establishing a social life. I was on a very positive and promising path, it seemed, until Mr. X called. That phone call threw everything out of whack, and changed my frequency. The results were immediate. I got 3 hours of sleep at best, went to work cranky, could not get any IV's at the beginning of my shift (luckily, some positive thinking changed that), and it seemed to affect L (my co-worker, bless her soul) and the entire facility. My demeanor was completely different from what it has been since I started working there 3 weeks ago. I had no confidence and I was radiating it. One of our patients, who is gorgeous was talking to me and I was embarrassed because I knew she could sense the change. I don't want to go through this again. I was happy with my new path, and I wanted to keep on walking in it.

I've been thinking about it all day and trying to convince myself that maybe I can just do it once in a while, but I have doubts like I mentioned before. I think about how I was during the last weeks before I left Chicago, and I'm inclined to think that perhaps I CAN handle that. Having read "The Secret", I was operating with new powerful knowledge. Even though I was doing coke a lot and going through an extremely tense situation (moving out and leaving my ex behind in the apartment alone), I was able to handle it and stay positive. I think there is hope. BUT, why can't I just say "no"? I'm sure of one thing though. I'm NOT going back to that lifestyle. NEVER! I swear on my own future grave that if I feel like I'm slipping back after he visits, I WILL stop completely. I will be strong.