I need to use The Force

I've spent most of the day online today still looking for a high and a lay. I know this is bullshit, and there's a strong part of me that is determined to fight it, but the Dark Side has a slight power advantage at the present time. As a matter of fact, as I write this, I'm talking to someone online who may satisfy my destructive desires. I think part of this whole episode has been facilitated by my being sick and staying at home (and in my room) for too long. I went out into the yard earlier with my dog and just laid in the sun, and good thoughts started to re-emerge. Although I'm out of the Chicago situation, I'm feeling stuck again. I'm working part-time (and I've been very lucky to even have found this job) with the intention of working on music during my time off. Even though it's not been going THAT badly (I've actually gotten great ratings in what I've written), it seems like it's just not enough to keep me focused on progressing. When I think about going back to school, I get discouraged because of what has happened in the past. It just feels like it's impossible for me to get through undergrad to finally study something I'm really interested in. I have to do something. I cannot waste my life and my talents like this. I'm putting up a good fight, believe it or not - but my opponent is giving me a run for my money.