Believe me you - I KNOW that ignorance is bliss!

This weekend was another binge. Friday with MU and Saturday with NS. Even though I knew that it would be better to wait a day in between, I decided to go two day in a row anyway. I did not even really have a good time on the second night, which was what I was afraid of. And trust me, I tried! It was actually more of a situation where my body was just too tired to keep up with my high-ass brain. I guess I figured that this would be the last weekend I'd be doing anything for a while. Of course, you never know.
Last night was kind of weird. I was bored, so I decided to smoke some herb & surf YouTube. I watched a couple news segments from when real journalism was still in existence. They dealt with murders that were covered up as suicides. It set me back into my truth-seeking mindset. I was reminded again about how this world is run & how we're constantly fed all these bullshit lies about what's really going on. Now I'm depressed again & I'm trying to get back into my "ignorant state". Yes, I purposely make myself ignorant because I'm so sick of being depressed. If we dig too deep, we find that what we are being told is a bunch of bullshit. I tend to dig deep because I was taught never to trust authority. I hate to be among the ignoramuses, but I've learned that it's the only way to keep what's left of my sanity. I'm not sure what's worse: being truly ignorant, or purposefully being ignorant!

Talking about coffee, blogs & dogs...no big whoop.

It took some procrastinating, but I made the call to my aunt yesterday. She was happy to hear from me & there was no problem at all. I told her that I've decided to move down there for now, as she had offered. This is a good move & I'm going to make sure it's for the better. I can at least take some of the math classes I need for school and get them out of the way while I'm waiting to get into the clinical program. I'm still not 100% sure that I will stay there for school though. I've actually been thinking a lot about Australia - yes, Australia. I've been wanting to go there forever, and maybe this is a good time. It all depends on how long I'm going to have to wait to go to school full-time. I may try and go to school and/or work over there for a few years. I know that I may not want to come back.
Anyway, I'm going to have to stay here for at least another week because my mom is bringing me some more of my stuff on Wednesday. It's going to be a huge change and I'm nervous, but I'm sick of living my life in fear & I'm making a conscious effort to face any fear that gets in the way of my progress. And, if it knocks me down, I'm going to get right back up again and back in it's face until I defeat it.
MU will be upset. I feel bad because she's going to be left alone again, but she decided to stay here on her own and renew the lease. I'm taking my canine buddy with me. He's always so happy down there because he has two other dog buddies to hang out with and they all get along great. If there's one thing I've done right in my life, it's adopting that dog. He's seriously the best friend ever!
Boy, I love drinking coffee while writing in my blog! There, now my title fits perfectly.

Blue Blah Blue Blah

Not much really exciting to report today. I had another weak moment earlier. NS told me that we might be able to hook up today or tomorrow, so I called him around 4:30. He said he had to work in the morning, so he couldn't party. I was relieved and frustrated at the same time. I did hesitate for a few minutes before dialing, but the crave got the best of me.
I seriously thought that I would be out of here by now. Actually, I thought I would be strongly urged to go to S. IL by my aunt, but she still has not called. I know she's not stupid and she knows what's going on. I should be able to do this on my own though, but I guess I'm too comfortable, as weird as that sounds.
I've been trying to take Melody's advice (thanks :D) and divert my thoughts to something else. It DOES feel good to take a break from my high revving brain once in a while. I started to watch "Cocoon", but got too annoyed with the overdose of 80's cheese. We popped in "Mosquito Coast" instead. That one was decent and tolerable. After the movie, I planned to work out, but instead I'm eating pizza and writing on here. I'm still going to work out - I swear! I HAVE to - I've been way too lazy about that shit.

Viral Spiral

It didn't take much for me to convince myself it was a good idea to go out and get fucked up again. I had no plans to do anything last night, but NS called and offered. I didn't hesitate. The stuff he had was pretty good. It's very rare that I can't walk straight due to a coke high, but last night, that was the case. Still, no sinus pain or severe headache afterward. I wish I could say the same about guilt though.
I still have not called my aunt. I'm surprised she has not tried to call me. My mom was supposed to come up and bring me some of my belongings on Tuesday, but that is probably not going to happen until next week now due to weather & overbooked flights. I know that the longer I stay here, the more I'm just going to keep on doing the same shit.
I've been thinking a lot lately about the latent effects of all of this shit & it scares me. I want to keep my health. That's the one thing that I've always had & before I got into the druggie lifestyle, my health was above average. I want to get back to that level again.
Feelings of hopelessness are creeping back into my head. I have to fight them hard because they do not help things one bit.

How many times can I move in one year?

This is supposed to be the last weekend I spend here, but I'm guessing it may not be. My aunt is probably pissed at me that I have not called her since I was down there. I haven't done so because I'm very apprehensive about moving in there. First, I've had it in my head that wherever I go, I end up fucking things up for everyone around me, and I don't want to do that to them as well. I was doing a lot of thinking about that theory earlier, and I've decided that it is not true. I've decided that I'm just a VARIABLE that when added to an equation, inevitably changes things. Sometimes those changes are painful, but I think that for the most part, they are for the better. The most recent (when I stayed with my mom and Asshole) sucked royal, but I think that I went into an already fucked up situation, and I was the variable that was needed for the mistake to be realized. Also, I need to realize that I've stayed in places where the people were happy to have me there and it actually improved things immediately (as with my dad). The second reason I'm worried about moving down with my aunt is just plain boredom. Even though I don't even go out very much, I know that at least here I can walk out the door and walk somewhere and just see interesting stuff. Down there is a much smaller town (although it IS a college town). The area they live in is not within walking distance of the more lively areas. Still, I know these are just excuses. I WILL have access to a car, and there's other ways to get around too. I know it's best to go. It's just kinda hard to leave now. I truly DO dread having to move yet AGAIN.
Last night was party night for MU and I, of course. The shit she got turned out to be very weak, which was a big disappointment for both of us. Still, we made the best of it, but went through it pretty fast.
It's been raining all morning and day here & has not stopped. It's a good night to just stay in and watch movies and goof around on the web.

The Great Escape - Part II

It's very true that tragedy brings people closer together. It has been very apparent in my situation here, and is especially true of family, of course. Although my dad claims that he only read a couple pages of my journal, I have my suspicions. Shit, if I had someones intimate details and I had already read some, I'd more than likely read more myself! Anyway, he commented tonight about how it's amazing how similar we are. It's very true. I still sense a great deal of sadness and worry in his voice. I hate to hear him like that. I'm not surprised that he's not angry though. Of all people, I know he understands my situation (which is probably why he's so worried).
On the other hand, I AM surprised that The Mom is not angry. Maybe she's just hiding it - I don't know. Either way, she has been very supportive as well.
I know my brother is very concerned too. He actually went through rehab, so he knows firsthand. I know he means well, but I did get kind of annoyed when he kept telling me what hard drugs to do you. I already know that stuff. I know he's just trying to help though.
I spent last week downstate at my aunt's place. I decided that it would be a good idea for my cousin and I to take a trip. Her husband has filed for divorce, but they are still living together, so getting away was good. It took a lot of mental battling, but I actually resisted the temptation to cancel the trip. MU was out of town, so I had the place to myself AND I was offered a lot of free coke that weekend. At least I know I'm not COMPLETELY controlled by my addiction. I did, however, do it when I got back.
Being here, as predicted, has got me back on the "twice-a-week minimum" program. Not good. I know I need to get out of here and find something to take up my time. I've got idle hands. You know how that shit goes.
I actually only planned to stay here for a few days, but between the hurricanes and the addiction, I've been pretty much "trapped" here again. I only brought enough clothes for 4 days, and I have nothing meant for cool weather, which we are starting to have now. Good thing I brought all my winter shit to Florida!
Anyway, while I was down at my aunt's, she was very persistent about trying to convince me to move down there and go to school. She said I could stay there and live rent free and not even have to pay for food if I just wanted to go to school full-time and not work. Something tells me that my dad had a talk with her! I do think that is a good idea &, like she kept saying - a chance like this is not going to come my way again. She's right.
I've pretty much made the decision to do it, but I have to admit I'm scared as shit. It's been so long since I've been in school, and I AM still concerned that my demons will follow and continue to torment me. In fact, I'm sure of that. I just need to be stronger and focus my energy on other things.

Back on the web at last...for now

Yes, with a whopping TWO whole Internet services to choose from, we've gone with slightly less incompetent Comcast. AT&T wins the all-time incompetence award. Their customer service is simply non-existent. Ok, I know - what else is new?

Well, the reaction from my family has been one more of sadness and worry rather than anger. That's a good thing. I'm actually really tired right now, so I'm going to elaborate later. I just wanted to let people know I'm still alive and not in rehab.