The only reason I did not party again last night was because NS, who offered to come down, ended up not being able to make it. I'm glad now that he did not because I've not felt that great today. Physically, I've got a headache and my lungs still feel crappy from the bronchitis. If fact, just a few minutes ago, I felt that pain in my lungs which tells me I'm still fighting it. Emotionally, I feel like crap too. I feel bad for not starting my job today, but at the same time I'm glad because I don't feel that great. I did not postpone my new job because of the bronchitis though. I really thought I'd be well enough today. I did it because I knew I'd be recovering from my coke binge on Saturday. There's a big part of me that does not even want to start this new job. I have a feeling that I'm not going to "fit in" with the crowd there. I think I would have fit in a lot better at that job that turned me down, but...yea, they turned me down. I know that part of the reason I'm having a bad feeling about it is because it's mostly guys. I've not had a guy friend in years now because I tend to feel much more comfortable around women. I'm not sure exactly why that is, but I have my theories. I have been dealing with esteem issues pretty much my whole life. I've gotten much better, but it still affects me and my interactions with people in general. Knowing that being a guy who lacks confidence is the male equivalent of being a female who lacks beauty, as far as attractiveness goes, does not help things. I also know that I'm more sensitive than most males, so "ball busting" is difficult for me. If someone starts talking shit about me, I tend to immediately go into "fight mode". I don't like feeling like that. I dunno, these are theories. They make sense to me...sorta.
GH and I DID end up talking briefly on the phone last night. She called right before she was going to sleep and told me that she just wanted to call so I would not think she was blowing me off. Yea, that was sweet of her. We talked earlier this evening & she invited me over to her place for dinner & Star Trek (yes, she's a Trekkie), lol. She obviously likes me...so far. I keep thinking "God, if she only knew. I think she would run the other way". I also keep thinking about how nice it felt on Saturday to just lie next to MU after partying. It felt nice because she knows all the "bad" shit about me & does not care. There's definitely something to be said about that.
mementos mori
2 years ago
3 comments:
Interesting how you say that you are more comfortable around women because of esteem stuff. I've never been remotely comfortable around women, haha, maybe we both just feel like we need to be around those who want something from us (i.e. love/sex/whatever) rather than ppl who would actually have to just like us.
In terms of not fitting in at the job, I'd say at work that's true for a lot of people.
Girl situation is tricky. It's hard to start something with someone your afraid to be yourself around, and it sometimes appealling (and sometimes sucky) to go back with someone just because its not a risk.
I would preach honesty, but I try not to be that big a hypocrite.
Thanks for the update!
I'm not sure the comfortable around women thing has to do specifically with esteem. I just feel like I can relate better. I think you may be on to something with your theory about being around people who want something from us. I will continue to ponder (indefinitely, more than likely, lol).
Hey man, I just stumbled upon your blog. I'm a recovering coke addict. Once I fucked up my nose enough, I switched over to smoking crack. It all pretty much destroyed my life. I ended up committed to the psych ward and tried to hang myself. I'm really lucky to be alive. When I got out, I still went back to using. I sold most of what I owned, and then sold my own body. All the damage I did to myself with drugs has now left me with epilepsy.
It was a really tough road to get clean. I still struggle with depression and sometimes our culture of addiction makes it really hard to keep pressing on.
Check out my blog if you want to know more about me. I've got a lot to say about the topic.
I know you can overcome your struggles with coke. The drug is the devil- don't let it tell you otherwise.
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