My current bout of depression finally seems to be letting up today. Ones that last days have become rare, but this was certainly that. About a week ago, I doubled my dosage of Prozac because I felt a bout coming on.
While in this state, I found myself rightfully worried about my ability to function at my new job. In the past, I've called in sick if severe depression hits me on a day I have to work. I HATE having to do that, but I really don't know what else to do. I'm not talking about your regular run-of-the-mill depression here. There is a long history of unipolar depression and suicide on my dad's side of the family. I have to admit that those thoughts did cross my mind from time to time this week. When I start thinking of how I'm going to do it - that's when it gets scary. I know exactly what has lead to this latest outbreak though.
When I got here, I feel like life had offered me a "clean slate". However, I've found myself starting to lie & make up stories again to cover up my lifestyle. I don't feel comfortable at all like that & of course it's only going to get worse if I keep going like this. I've used GH as an excuse to go out the last couple times and get fucked up. It's perfect because I have an excuse to not have to come back until morning. The truth is that I've only seen her a couple times & honestly I don't think it's going to work out. Last night, NS came into town & we got a room again. I told GH that I was going out of town. We had a lot of fun for sure, but I really don't like to be dishonest. It makes me feel like shit.
Today, I've pretty much just laid around recovering from last night. I'm hoping that once I start working, it will force me to get back into "recovery" mode. I know I'm going to be found out sooner or later if I keep this up. It's inevitable.
mementos mori
2 years ago
2 comments:
Hey- Thanks for your comments on my blog. Sounds like you've really got your hands full.
You're right.. excuses and lies will eventually catch up to you. It doesn't ever help you feel good about yourself, either.
I agree with you that suicidal thinking gets to be the scariest when you start thinking about how you will do it. When I feel those thoughts creep in, I try to remember that it's just my twisted thinking trying to control me. It's not really "me" who wants that outcome.
I hope today is a little better day for you. Keep your chin up and your nose clean.
God, I so feel this post. I have been stressing out hardcore lately about how dishonest I have been with my man. I am debating coming clean, but so stressful.
I understand why it's tough to work tings out with someone who doesn't and wouldn't understand your lifestyle and past. And I also can appreciate can't-get-out-of-bed-in-the-morning depression. Glad to hear it's lifting, and I think your right, the structure will def help in recovery.
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