How can one resist a freebie???

I've been off the shit since my last post, with little cravings here and there, but nothing alarming. A few days after the last episode though, I got another call from Mr. X. He said that he was travelling and that he could hook me up with a freebie in a few days. Of course, I said yes. He can't stay, so this will actually be all mine. I'm considering doing it next time ML comes over, but I probably won't since she can pretty much read me like a book! I may just do it and watch some porn or something. Hmmm...speaking of porn...I'm gonna go now;)

Well, it would have been, could have been worse than you would ever know

So, as you can tell from my last post, the crave hit me like a sucker punch. I did end up making a connection that actually materialized. It started off with a bang. The guy I met insisted that putting the coke inside of a cigarette with some tobacco was the best way to do it. Well, I took a few puffs and felt a rush, but not like the normal snorting kind of rush. This was BAD! I felt really light-headed, and then had to make a run to meet the Porcelain God. That's when I decided that snorting would be the way to go. Other than that little incident, the first hour or so was great. I was in "the zone" and everything was great. But after that, the same things started happening as used to happen 2 months ago when I was hardcore. I began caring more about the coke than the sex, and just wanted to consume more and more. I ended up doing about the same amount that I was doing 2 months ago, which really kicked my ass! Towards the end, I was on the verge of tears. He wanted me to stay there until he was sure I could drive, but I just had to get out of there, so I left. On my way home, I tried calling RM, but there was no answer. It was about 6:30am here, which would make it 5:30 in Chicago. I then called ML because I needed to talk to someone and I had to straighten shit out with her anyway. I asked her if she could come over, and she did. When she got here, I told her that I had done coke and she was upset. I told her that the reason I did it was because I was upset about her lying to me about her age (I did not mention the other alleged accusations). She immediately became very defensive and said that she never discussed her age with me, even though I recall her telling me she was 37 (although, I'm honestly not sure that even took place). We got into our first argument, and it was ugly for some time. After laying next to each other, we were able to look past it and ended up having incredible sex. I mean INCREDIBLE sex!! Afterwards, we even had ourselves laughing so hard we were crying. All in all, I think this was a positive day. I'm glad that my little coke fiasco went badly. I'm even glad I threw up. Perhaps I've developed a taste aversion! So I fell off the bandwagon - big deal. It happens to everyone. As long as I am committed to improving my life, I will be just fine. As far as ML, my gut feeling is that she is a good person trying to do her best in life.

The Empire Strikes Back

Okay, so this last little episode has got my will weakened. Shortly after, I'm back online looking to go skiing. I'm speaking to someone that seems promising. I talked to him earlier and he told me he would call me back within an hour or so. I've got $50 left to my name, and I'm planning on blowing it all tonite for some fun. I don't even know how I'm going to get through next week without any money, but I know I will manage somehow. It's been almost 2 months since I've done anything. I'm rationalizing that I should let myself have a little fun. I guess we'll see how it goes. These skiing arrangements rarely actually work out. I won't lie - I really hope it does!

Trouble in Paradise

Well, what's a relationship without a little drama, right? Last night, The Troll (my dad's wife, who is part owner of the place my new girlfriend lives in) made my girlfriend cry by intentionally saying some very nasty and calculating things. She (my girlfriend, we will call "ML") called me crying and I gave her my full support and vowed revenge on The Troll. ML came over this morning and we made love again, and mutually used the "L" word for the first time. I called my dad to tell him that I was NOT going to come by today because I did not feel comfortable around The Troll. We talked about what happened last night, and what I found out from him was very disappointing. First, he is convinced that ML is an alcoholic. I sort of suspected it at first, but when I told ML that The Troll was calling her an alcoholic, she took offense and denied it. However, there could be some good evidence to the contrary. My dad says that ML drank almost all his alcohol and has had to hide it from her. Also, one day when I was there, ML had bought them both bottles of Jack Daniels out of the blue (an admission of guilt?). Secondly, I found out that ML is 13 years older than me, and 10 years older than she told me she was! When my dad told me that, I did not believe him, but just to check, he went and looked at her rental application where they had a copy of her driver's license, and there it was - born in 1960. That makes her 48 next month! Last, but not least, I foud out that she has come on to my dad 3 times in the past. And, the last time apparently was pretty bad according to my dad (he spared me the details). I'm in a state of shock and disappointment. I've tried calling my best friend (RM), but cannot get in touch with her. To top things off, it has been raining cats and dogs outside. Gotta have a little visual effect, I guess.

Uhhh...this chic is like an angel...or something?

Over the weekend, I ended up going out with one of my dad's roommates (I got her phone number the week before when I was over there). We went out to Chili's and she paid for everything because she knew I had not gotten my check yet. I told her she did not have to do that, but she insisted. She looked SO pretty when we met there. She is part Jamaican and part Chinese (gorgeous and dark skinned) and she was dressed in all white (yes, like and angel, lol). Anyway, we were both pretty nervous the first date, but it was still a lot of fun. We had some drinks and talked about life. I told her everything about my situation, and she was very understanding and said that she would be there for me if I needed her. I was amazed that she did not turn and start running towards her car! I told her I would do the same for her. I walked her to her car and she leaned towards me so I could kiss her on the cheek. It was splendid!

When I got home, I did not have ANY desire to do coke or anything associated with it. I was so happy just to know that someone (other than my best friend) was accepting me for me - especially someone with romantic interest. I thought that maybe the crave would come back, but it did not.

We went out again on the following day. We had lunch and went to the park near my place afterwards. She likes nature as much as I do, and we thought it would be a great idea for us to walk off lunch. Well, it turned out to be one of the most magical dates I have ever been on (and I've been on a LOT!!!). It was a beautiful day out and we walked and talked, then found a quiet place by the water, which surprisingly was totally vacant. We sat down near each other and she put her arm around me and I put my hand on hers. I felt an amazing connection at that moment! We got closer and were soon in each other's arms. It did not feel awkward at ALL. It felt totally natural - like it was just supposed to happen! Soon, some rude kids came running at us and purposely being really obnoxious. That's when we moved to another spot.

We went and just laid on the grass by the water. We held each other again, and soon after, I grabbed her and kissed her. We started making out passionately. Again, it felt totally natural, and OH MY GOD did that turn me on!! We were there for a few hours, until she spotted some rain clouds headed our way. We made it back to the car and made out some more, lol!

I saw her again this morning. I picked her up and we came back here (because we FINALLY had a private place to ourselves) and went nuts on each other! She is SO amazing and beautiful - I just can't believe this is happening (she can't either - we're both kind of freaked out at how comfortable we are knowing each other for such a short time)! She was actually very nervous about sex because she had not had it in years apparently (except with her vibrator). I was too, but we still managed to have great sex - enough for us to tire each other out! We got hungry again, then went out to eat, lol. We promised each other to make sure we both have orgasms next time:P

I still have NO cravings. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think I'm in love! And, I don't fall in love that easily. Very strange, but good!

...and out of nowhere, The Force POUNDS The Dark Side!!!

HELL YEA! It's been a very rough battle these past few days, but the tables have turned as of this evening. I've been doing my psychological exercises to stay positive and harness the power of The Force. While writing in my journal, I came to the realization that I have been given a gift that, if used correctly, can overpower my demons every time. That gift is CREATIVITY! I've realized that I've been focusing WAY too much on my perceived shortcomings and getting away from reality through drugs. I can TRANSCEND reality and CREATE it! I'm fully aware that the battle will rage on, and this is not the end, but it's nice to see a victory on the good side. I'm determined to make that a growing trend. It's so strange. From that moment on, the rest of my day has fallen into place and been quite pleasant!

I need to use The Force

I've spent most of the day online today still looking for a high and a lay. I know this is bullshit, and there's a strong part of me that is determined to fight it, but the Dark Side has a slight power advantage at the present time. As a matter of fact, as I write this, I'm talking to someone online who may satisfy my destructive desires. I think part of this whole episode has been facilitated by my being sick and staying at home (and in my room) for too long. I went out into the yard earlier with my dog and just laid in the sun, and good thoughts started to re-emerge. Although I'm out of the Chicago situation, I'm feeling stuck again. I'm working part-time (and I've been very lucky to even have found this job) with the intention of working on music during my time off. Even though it's not been going THAT badly (I've actually gotten great ratings in what I've written), it seems like it's just not enough to keep me focused on progressing. When I think about going back to school, I get discouraged because of what has happened in the past. It just feels like it's impossible for me to get through undergrad to finally study something I'm really interested in. I have to do something. I cannot waste my life and my talents like this. I'm putting up a good fight, believe it or not - but my opponent is giving me a run for my money.

It's got me good today

So today I've spent most of my time looking for dick and coke. Even though I should be in bed resting, I keep getting up and checking online. I did talk to Mr. X earlier and it looks like he is not going to be able to make it at the end of the month, which is probably a good thing. I just called in sick to work for tomorrow. I still feel like shit and these antibiotics are making me feel even worse. I know I'm gonna try tomorrow too though. Shit - I'm scared again.

The Hunt

I got up today really horny and craving some dick. I went online and renewed my membership to a hookup website. Naturally, I started looking for people who said they were partying. I found a couple here in town that said they had "stuff", so I showered and started driving over there. I told them what I liked to party with, and they said that was cool. About half way there, my phone rang and it was them. They wanted to know if I had any shit for myself. I told them I did not, but I could contribute. They said that was fine, but that they were partying with something else (he had a southern accent, and I swear he was saying "hard"). I told him that I never heard of that, but he assured me that I would enjoy it. The whole thing started to sound kinda shady, so I decided not to go. I told him that I would rather meet up and party with something I was familiar with. He said that was fine. In retrospect, I'm wondering if he was saying "heroin". If he was, I'm REALLY glad I did not go. I'm not going to lie though - I'm still looking:(

My first attempt since the move

Mr. X's offer to send me a package has been in my mind quite a bit. Yesterday, I actually called him to see if he was able to pick any up. I still don't think that I'd do it to the degree I did when I was in Chicago - in fact, like I mentioned before, I think I can control it to where it's just a once-in-a-while thing. I've never been through this before though, so I'm not 100% sure that my last sentence is true. I had to come home early from work yesterday (I think I have strep). I'm off today, so I have a lot of time to think. I woke up wishing I just had a little reefer, which lead to thoughts of the White Devil. I DO wish I had a little herb though - it's nice to have when you are sick, lol.

Evil has found me

For the last month, I've been totally clean and replacing my coke habit with a variety of exercises, writing music, and re-establishing a social life. I was on a very positive and promising path, it seemed, until Mr. X called. That phone call threw everything out of whack, and changed my frequency. The results were immediate. I got 3 hours of sleep at best, went to work cranky, could not get any IV's at the beginning of my shift (luckily, some positive thinking changed that), and it seemed to affect L (my co-worker, bless her soul) and the entire facility. My demeanor was completely different from what it has been since I started working there 3 weeks ago. I had no confidence and I was radiating it. One of our patients, who is gorgeous was talking to me and I was embarrassed because I knew she could sense the change. I don't want to go through this again. I was happy with my new path, and I wanted to keep on walking in it.

I've been thinking about it all day and trying to convince myself that maybe I can just do it once in a while, but I have doubts like I mentioned before. I think about how I was during the last weeks before I left Chicago, and I'm inclined to think that perhaps I CAN handle that. Having read "The Secret", I was operating with new powerful knowledge. Even though I was doing coke a lot and going through an extremely tense situation (moving out and leaving my ex behind in the apartment alone), I was able to handle it and stay positive. I think there is hope. BUT, why can't I just say "no"? I'm sure of one thing though. I'm NOT going back to that lifestyle. NEVER! I swear on my own future grave that if I feel like I'm slipping back after he visits, I WILL stop completely. I will be strong.

Leading to where I am now

(In a nutshell) It all started about 3 years ago when my fuck-buddy (Mr. X) decided to introduce me to cocaine. I remember it like it was yesterday (sorry for the cliche, but it's true). I was very hesitant, but he said "Oh, it's no big deal - just try a little bit". I was already stoned and horny, so I decided "what the hell". He offered me half a line. I snorted it, and I felt my body tingling and a rush of energy and EXTREME horniness! I loved it instantly. Since then, we used coke every time we had sex, which was once or twice a week.



As time went by, the amount we used slowly increased. I wanted more because it was taking more of it for me to reach that incredible high. After a while, it was not even about the sex anymore. It was about how much coke I could get away with doing.



When I moved in with this girl I met, my use increased sharply because she did it as well. I never thought it would happen to me, but my life began to revolve around cocaine. My already crippled social life became virtually non-existant, my healthy habits (eating right, working out, meditating) all flew out the window. I must make a point here that part of why I did not think this would happen to me was because of all the bullshit propaganda we're fed concerning marijuana. I knew that most of it was b.s., so I figured the shit you hear about cocaine was also a bunch of lies. I found out it's not - the hard way.



After years of abusing this incredibly seductive drug, I decided to try and break free once and for all. I told the girl I was moving out (and she went psycho on me - another story), packed my shit and moved to Florida to stay with my mom until I got my shit together.



So, here I am. It's been a month since I got out of Chicago, and I've been doing surprisingly well so far. I've got a job that I really enjoy and I'm getting back into shape. But, as they say, you can run, but you can't hide