Saturday, November 29, 2008

420

I'm in Chicago. My aunt had to come up here, so she figured I might as well pick up my guitar & some other stuff. I was so praying that MU had some weed here. She does. It's the shit! Yea, so I'm happily enjoying my last day before I start work. I've even had the place to myself all evening until tomorrow morning when MU gets back. I was getting so annoyed down there without a minute of being by myself. On Friday, they BOTH left for about an hour, but my aunt told me that one of her friends was coming over in half an hour! So, I got a total of about 25 minutes of having the house to myself since I've been down there. I know - I should not complain. At least I have somewhere to go. It's just so annoying. Oh, and in case you're wondering, yes I DID try to get coke tonight. Luckily, I was unable to in such short notice. I've got problems!

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

From "blah" to "baaaaah!"

These past couple of days have been kind of just "blah". I guess I should mention that I went to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting on Monday. I was pretty interesting, but not too much different than the group I went to in FL. There were a couple newbies there besides myself, so I guess I was a bit more comfortable in that sense. One thing that bugs me about the group is that they are of the mindset that the ONLY was is to completely stop doing ALL drugs, including your weekend drinks. I disagree with that philosophy. I think that to stop everything completely is going to intensify the crave even more. It's like those health food maniacs that never ever eat anything considered "junk food". I think it's actually healthier to have that bacon burger or ice cream every once in a while. Moderation is the key. That's my theory and I'm sticking to it, damn-it! Now if I could just get myself to do these things the way I say, I would be just fine. Anyway, I was close to going back today but decided not to. I think the main reason I wanted to go back was to connect with people. Hmmm...it WAS nice to connect. But I think I can find a group to connect with in a different context. Another thing that bugs me about their philosophy is that they consider anyone who has ever been addicted an addict for life. I think that there are more healthy ways of looking at it. I've often contemplated changing the name of this blog for that very reason. But, I still feel that my addiction is still the main theme here. Perhaps I'll change it when I feel differently. This paradoxical world we live in drives me mad. Sometimes it's nice to do drugs just to stop thinking already!
I've not cut things off with GH quite yet. I know I probably should have, but it's been nice to have someone to go out with. The intimacy is nice too, but I know it's just going to deepen things. We went out to eat for a while tonight, then went back to her place. She made it clear that she wanted to know me better before we had sex again. Yea, that usually works BEFORE the first time you have sex! Anyway, I'm not that worried about it because the attraction factor is still lacking somewhat for me. Trust me, I'm not looking to date a super-model. If fact, I'd probably never date a model because I would just be too annoyed with her. But there is a certain level of attraction that I think is necessary between two people for a long-term thing. I suppose I'm still comparing any girl I date to my ex-fiance. God, the feelings I still get when I think about her are not pleasant. After 4 years, I'm still hurting. I wonder if she is too. Probably not - she turned into a total cunt anyway. Fuck her!

Sunday, November 23, 2008

"Melody Lee Is Damned" blog readers, please read...

Our fellow blogger & brilliant entertainer, Melody Lee, is in the hospital. Her friend "K1tten" is forwarding any messages you may want to send to her. Go to this blog...

http://k1tten.blogspot.com/2008/11/melodly.html

for details.

Stranger in a Strange Land

I just finished my first run (treadmill) since I got sick. Sometimes I forget how much that really affects my mood. Fighting depression was the main reason I started integrating cardiovascular exercise into my routine in the first place. I'm feeling better than I did yesterday.
I got a call from my realtor yesterday informing me that the people who own the condo I was looking into buying are offering it to me for 20k less than what I offered. Wow. I'm trying to figure out a plan where I can get the money for a down payment & get a loan. So far, it's looking promising, but you never know. It's strange how this affects me psychologically. When I start thinking about buying my own place & paying dues, etc. (basically being responsible again!), I get a sense of hope as far as living a "normal" life again. I'd like to think that I've gained some wisdom from the shit I've been through these past few years. Perhaps I'm better prepared to deal with a conventional world while remaining a "free spirit" (I can't stand that term, but it does describe me). I'm especially referring to my new job, which I will start next month. Who knows, maybe I'll get lucky and get put with a cool partner. It's happened in the past. I'm still nervous as hell.
Oh, and as far as GH...I've kinda sorta blew her off this weekend. I just don't think we're a match. I feel bad, but dragging it out is worse. Maybe I'm just not ready.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Bluer Than Midnight

My current bout of depression finally seems to be letting up today. Ones that last days have become rare, but this was certainly that. About a week ago, I doubled my dosage of Prozac because I felt a bout coming on.
While in this state, I found myself rightfully worried about my ability to function at my new job. In the past, I've called in sick if severe depression hits me on a day I have to work. I HATE having to do that, but I really don't know what else to do. I'm not talking about your regular run-of-the-mill depression here. There is a long history of unipolar depression and suicide on my dad's side of the family. I have to admit that those thoughts did cross my mind from time to time this week. When I start thinking of how I'm going to do it - that's when it gets scary. I know exactly what has lead to this latest outbreak though.
When I got here, I feel like life had offered me a "clean slate". However, I've found myself starting to lie & make up stories again to cover up my lifestyle. I don't feel comfortable at all like that & of course it's only going to get worse if I keep going like this. I've used GH as an excuse to go out the last couple times and get fucked up. It's perfect because I have an excuse to not have to come back until morning. The truth is that I've only seen her a couple times & honestly I don't think it's going to work out. Last night, NS came into town & we got a room again. I told GH that I was going out of town. We had a lot of fun for sure, but I really don't like to be dishonest. It makes me feel like shit.
Today, I've pretty much just laid around recovering from last night. I'm hoping that once I start working, it will force me to get back into "recovery" mode. I know I'm going to be found out sooner or later if I keep this up. It's inevitable.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Como se dise "Feel like shit"?

The only reason I did not party again last night was because NS, who offered to come down, ended up not being able to make it. I'm glad now that he did not because I've not felt that great today. Physically, I've got a headache and my lungs still feel crappy from the bronchitis. If fact, just a few minutes ago, I felt that pain in my lungs which tells me I'm still fighting it. Emotionally, I feel like crap too. I feel bad for not starting my job today, but at the same time I'm glad because I don't feel that great. I did not postpone my new job because of the bronchitis though. I really thought I'd be well enough today. I did it because I knew I'd be recovering from my coke binge on Saturday. There's a big part of me that does not even want to start this new job. I have a feeling that I'm not going to "fit in" with the crowd there. I think I would have fit in a lot better at that job that turned me down, but...yea, they turned me down. I know that part of the reason I'm having a bad feeling about it is because it's mostly guys. I've not had a guy friend in years now because I tend to feel much more comfortable around women. I'm not sure exactly why that is, but I have my theories. I have been dealing with esteem issues pretty much my whole life. I've gotten much better, but it still affects me and my interactions with people in general. Knowing that being a guy who lacks confidence is the male equivalent of being a female who lacks beauty, as far as attractiveness goes, does not help things. I also know that I'm more sensitive than most males, so "ball busting" is difficult for me. If someone starts talking shit about me, I tend to immediately go into "fight mode". I don't like feeling like that. I dunno, these are theories. They make sense to me...sorta.
GH and I DID end up talking briefly on the phone last night. She called right before she was going to sleep and told me that she just wanted to call so I would not think she was blowing me off. Yea, that was sweet of her. We talked earlier this evening & she invited me over to her place for dinner & Star Trek (yes, she's a Trekkie), lol. She obviously likes me...so far. I keep thinking "God, if she only knew. I think she would run the other way". I also keep thinking about how nice it felt on Saturday to just lie next to MU after partying. It felt nice because she knows all the "bad" shit about me & does not care. There's definitely something to be said about that.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

I am The Lord of Chaos

I returned home at about 11am or so from partying with MU all night. I have to admit that it was fun as hell! I don't like having, once again, to make up stories about where I'm going & all that jazz. I actually told them I was going out again with GH, the girl I had the date with last week (more on her later). I also figured that I would be feeling pretty shitty for the next couple of days and not wanting to start work tomorrow. So, using my razor sharp memory (NOT!), I remembered that the job had offered me to start either tomorrow or on Dec. 1st and that they also knew I was dealing with a bout of bronchitis. Yea, you know where this is going! So, needless to say, I've arranged for the later start date. In my lazy ass good-for-nothing junkie defense, I still DO feel mildly ill with the bronchitis. I've already perfected (hopefully) the story I'm going to tell my family as to why I'm not starting tomorrow. These people are no dummies, so I've got to make sure my story is flawless. So far, I think it is. Yea, I suck.
Back to GH, as promised: "Daft Dragon", you were right - she IS still interested. I knew I should have gotten a female opinion before jumping to conclusions, lol. I checked my yahoo IM today & apparently she has been trying to send me messages on there, but I had not checked until today. We chatted online for a while. She's supposed to call me tonight.
I should also mention that MU, before she left this morning told me she loved me again and was crying because she did not want to leave *sigh*. The world, to me, is absurdly confusing. I'm talking tax return papers X like 999 trillion. I often wonder if most people feel like this. They either don't, or do a really good job of hiding their confusion. It does not help that I can't focus on anything for more than 5 seconds. LOCUST! See?

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Mizzoth to the Flizzame

So, I went out with this girl last night. We went to grab some drinks & then to see a movie ("Role Models" - it's funny as shit - see it!). Anyway, she seemed pretty nervous the whole time, but I think I did a good job of calming her down. This is a "guy" version of the story, so it's short & to the point. We were holding hands by the time we said good-night & said we'd go out again soon. I even got a text from her when I got home saying that she had a great time. So we're all good, right? WRONG! I sent her a text today just wishing her a good day at work - nothing elaborate (I'm not one of those clingy people - I just wanted to say hi & say something nice). I have not heard from her at all. Weird. Oh, well. It was nice anyway to just hang out with someone who is NOT family, lol.
Earlier today I did get a text from MU. She said that her trip to IA was cancelled, so I suggested she drive down here instead & we could get a room. Yea, she did not hesitate at all to accept my offer! So I've booked for Saturday & she's bringin' the party favours. So, why am I going to party with my ex two days before I start my new job? Because I have a fascination with anything akin to playing with fire. I have it in my head that I have to burn in order to feel "normal". Is it really the case? Or am I just so used to it that it feels right?
I spent 5 hours on Monday filling out paperwork, giving them my urine and blood, taking physical tests & all kinds of other shit. I was very proud to get my badge (no, I'm not a cop!), yet I'm willing to risk it all for a few hours of intense dirty nasty coke-enhanced sex. Shit - even writing the previous sentence turns me on, and at the same time makes me feel guilty. Maybe I'm just thinking too much about it. I'm even having some intermittent thoughts about getting back with MU.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Psycho Killer, Qu'est Que Ce'st - fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa...

I'm at the tail end of my bronchitis bout. I could have probably worked out today, but hey - I'm taking it easy.
So I get this message out of the blue in my e-mail box from this girl from a dating website I've not paid much attention to. I usually don't think much of these messages when they come because they are usually from someone at least 400 miles away. This girl is actually in the same town. So, we exchanged a couple of messages and ended up IMimg for a while tonight. Towards the end of the convo, she asked if I wanted to do something on Wednesday night. I said that would be great. Now, part of me is asking why the fuck I'm even considering going on a date with her. Maybe I'm trying to test myself again. Let me explain.
I'm insane. Don't get me wrong, I'm not insane as in "I'm a serial killer", but I'm certainly not what most people would consider a "pillar of society". I've had sex with more people than most male rock stars and I've done just about as many drugs. I'm basically a rock star, minus the rock stardom, fame & money. And, I'm used to dating women who are rather psychotic themselves. I was bitten a long time ago & there's just no turning back...or is there? I guess that's my problem with this whole thing.
I'm trying to start something again with a "normal" girl. I HAVE tried this before & I know that the only way for it to actually work is for me to become "normal". Judging on past experience, I would conclude that that is improbable. It's funny, this girl says in her profile that she does not want to date any "freaks" - LMAO! She also states that she wants someone that can "deal with life's troubles". Well, I DO "deal" with them - just not as effectively as other people (plus my way just seems more interesting, lol). I suspect that I may just be one of those people who need more stimulation than average. That would explain a LOT.
Anyway, my point is that I think that I'm doing this to try and stabilize my life as well as for companionship. I try to convince myself that maybe now that I'm older, I can do this.
The last "normal" girl I dated was the girl I almost married. I was going to, but the guilt from being the way I am just would not let me.
Oh, and in the meantime, as I started to mention in my last entry, my ex still thinks we're an item! Yea, she's one of the psycho ones, as you may have guessed. I left her over a year ago after she got physically violent with me (I don't hit girls) & tried to break up my best friend and I. We still have gotten fucked up and had sex though since the breakup. I guess she's seeing that as us being back together. I seriously need to find some herb!

Friday, November 7, 2008

"Flash! Aaaaaah! He's for every one of us."

I'm feeling better today (not super-weak/depressed as yesterday). I got my new running shoes & WOW, what a difference! I had not realized how much I had flattened out the cushioning on my old ones, lol. I'm also okay (so far) with not getting tweeked this weekend. Then again, NS has not called me yet. I think it's a good thing that every time we party, we have to rent a room. It definitely cuts down the frequency of wanting to do it. That shit gets expensive!
I talked to RM today & apparently my ex still thinks we are together & everything is fine *sigh*. Shit - I hear guests arriving. Gonna have to write later.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Times you miss being a stoner

I'm pretty much out of commission with the bronchitis. I was feeling pretty shitty all last week and did not know why. Oh well, at least I'm not calling in sick to work. On top of this, I've been pretty damn depressed lately. I don't know anyone here, I've got no job & I can't even work out because I feel like crap. I was also reading this book that's supposed to make people feel better, "Think and Grow Rich", and yea - I'm pretty much feeling like a piece of shit now - thanks a lot. It's one of those books that calls everyone who is not rich a "loser". In fact, this idiot states that 98% of the population are losers. Ever see the movie "Little Miss Sunshine"? I'm pretty sure that Greg Kinnear's character was based upon the author of this book. Needless to say, I'm not reading that shit any more.
I'm also feeling guilty for not writing or playing any songs lately. Sometimes I just feel like going back to being a pot-head and just saying "fuck it all". It was nice to just kick back, smoke some herb & give a big one-finger salute to the world. I know myself though. I would not be happy with myself if I did that. Then again, when am I ever happy with myself?

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Time to take the power back!



Well, today is officially the day America decides it's fate. Well, supposedly (I'm still not 100% sure this whole election thing isn't just a big show). All I know is that it's time to show these right-wing pussies who they've been fucking with. The criminals who hold office need to be shown the door. In fact, many of them, under the REAL constitution (before the Bush Regime decided to rewrite it) they should be tried for treason. If that albino-turtle-lookin' mother fucker "wins" this time, I don't think The People are going to let it go without a fight. Since they've taken over the media, they have tried to portray the "left" (which, in their description would include moderates like myself) as "weak". Well, let me just remind them who kicked who's ass in the first American Civil War. Yea, that's right, and we'll do it again, fuckers!
Okay, now that I've gotten that out of the way *deep breaths*...
I'm starting to feel down again. Both jobs I interviewed for have not called me back. I called both of them today for a follow-up, but got machines. Yea it sucks, but it could be worse. Onward through the fog. I've also started to feel extremely lonely in this town lately. I've been going out a lot, but when I do, I'm usually either reading or writing. I'm an introvert with big walls I've put up around me, so it's not exactly easy for me to start out in a new place. Again, it could be worse.
I'm not sure if I ever wrote about LW. LW is actually a girl I met off of MySpace. I was actually surprised that she requested to be a "friend" because she just seemed way too "Jesus-ey" for my taste & it's pretty obvious from my page that I'm not like that, lol. Anyway, long story short, we started talking on the phone while I was still in FL. When I got up to Chicago, she wanted to talk, but I could not because I was at my ex's place (the only place I could stay) and that pissed her off. So, LW has made contact with me again & we're cool. JH (girl who moved to San Francisco) has also been talking about visiting. I just don't want to get into the situation I was in with ML in FL. Okay, all these initials are starting to annoy me. I feel like a fucking car salesman now with their APR's & MSRP's. Fuck all of them & their stupid commercials! Okay, I guess I should try to get some sleep before the 10-hour wait at the polls later.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Oh well, at least it was good!

Last night, NS & I hooked up (did the motel thing again). The shit he had was actually pretty good. I guess "the man" finally got the hint from all the people complaining about the recent dive in quality. I had a lot of fun pretty much the whole time until, as usual, I realize there's almost none left. But even with that, it ended well. I know there's no way I'm going to get away with doing this once a week. They will eventually catch on. That's good. It will encourage me to not do it so much.
I went on 2 interviews last week. Both of them seemed very promising & I was sure I would have to decide between jobs. I've had no callbacks yet though. I know that does not mean it's over, but I figured they would get back to me sooner.
I've not been much in the mood to write lately. Laters.